The Worst Thing I Could Lose

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", directed by Frenchman, Michel Gondry, and written by the incomparable Charlie Kaufman, is one of my favorite films. It's one of Calvin's favorites too and it served as the inspiration for this song, which, in turn, ended up being part of a different film by my new favorite filmmaker, my daughter Jillian. More on that in a minute.

The simple, melancholy music of "The Worst Thing I Could Lose" is similar to Calvin's song "Probably" which I wrote about in my last post, but the poignant lyrics explore some of the same concepts about loss and identity as his piece "Green Pants." My favorite lyrics come in the end... "I blew a fuse... and now you're missing". The notion reminds me of a French phrase, "tu me manques", which translates to, "you are missing from me." It is a subtle but meaningful distinction from the more self-centered English sentiment, "I miss you."

Anyone who has seen the 2004 film "Eternal Sunshine", will relate to the imagery captured in the song. The story is about two scorn lovers, portrayed by Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, who impulsively undergo a procedure to erase each other from their minds as a way to overcome the grief and loss resulting from their relationship's demise. In each verse, Calvin's song explores an increasing higher stake of loss: weight, courage, the ability to think rationally, self-discipline, sleep, and memory –– none of which, in the end, can compare to the loss of a loved one.

As a coincidental aside, Michel Gondry also directed another one of Calvin's favorite films, "Be Kind, Rewind," about a nearly-defunct video rental shop and the town's desperate effort to save it. Even though Calvin was only 12 at the time of that film's release, it captured his imagination and he's often toyed with the idea of writing it into a musical theater piece.

So it is that Calvin has frequently drawn on film for inspiration. Recently, it is at the behest of his sister, my daughter Jillian who is a filmmaker and writer. They are frequent creative collaborators: She has directed, filmed and edited all of his music videos thus far, and conversely, Calvin has written the scores for several of her films. Jillian chose to use "The Worst Thing I Could Lose" for her short film, "My Mom's Dead and I'm Stuck in Suburbia" which explores the reactions of a group of college students after learning about the sudden death of one friend's mother. You can view the short film here,

As for the song art, which I'm titling "And Now You're Missing," I tried to capture the fragility of the connection between two people, and the sense of foreboding when something precious is about to slip away, with only a tiny string of magical current linking them. One of the lyrics, "the caverns of my eyes grow black as ink" was the visual inspiration here. The piece is maybe a bit darker than I had originally planned, but I'm very pleased with the end result.

The lyrics are below, and you can listen along on Soundcloud here

The Worst Thing I Could Lose

By Calvin Rezen

I guess I do more walking that I used to

But even so I'm getting thin

I guess I'm not as hungry as I once was

I'm bones and skin

I'm a skeleton

But if a man without a gut is gutless

I'm the biggest coward in the state

And though I've earned the title I am given

There are worst things I could lose than weight

I guess I do more talking than I used to

But my logic isn't easy to explain

For one who was once rational as Plato

I'm talking strange

Oh, I feel insane

But if a man whose lost his mind is mindless

You could say I'm short a couple screws

So lock me up in Bedlam or in Bellvue

My marbles ain't the worst thing I could lose

I lose myself in bottles till I could barely stand

I wagered all my money on a poker hand

My memory surrendered to the times

Something's missing

I couldn't tell you what

But something's missing

I guess I do less sleeping than I used to

I'm sweating through the sheets

The caverns of my eyes grow black as ink

They tunnel deep

Oh, I lost my senses

I blew a fuse

And now you're missing

I guess I lost the worst thing I could lose

© Calvin Rezen. All rights reserved.